Hello again!
Well today has been an emotional rollercoaster....well, maybe more like a log flume, because it's mostly been down with just a little bit of up. My money situation is as worse as it's ever been, I've had a few health scares this week and today it all just hit me like a ton of bricks, and I had a near-complete breakdown in the shower this morning. I'm talking bawling, sobbing, screaming, cursing and railing against the heavens. I asked out loud if I'd been Josef Stalin in a past life to deserve the crap I felt piling up on my shoulders all week. For the first time in a long time I felt genuinely suicidal thoughts, only to yell out, "No! No! No! No!"
Back when I was thirteen years old, I was in a deep black funk, something I've dealt with on and off my whole life really, and I decided I was going to take my own life. I was going to swallow a handful of Dristan tablets and just end it all, make the pain stop. I was in the middle of composing my suicide note when my Mom came back from a walk with Pete Grinstead, a family friend.
The funny thing is, I was mostly embarrassed by the discovery, and endured my mom's hugs and kisses and apologized for even considering such a thing. Also she said the pills probably wouldn't even of killed me, just make me puke. That night I wrote a sort of letter to myself that I signed, vowing I would never take my own life, due to the hurt it would cause others left behind.
So yeah, this morning I was back down there again, and me shouting 'No!' was to reminder myself of my vow; despite all its many hardships, life is still worth living and a most wonderful gift that we often take for granted. I took the day off work (possibly a mistake, but I could not face those people) and logged onto the internet to chat with friends. It really helped me shift my focus to more positive things. So thank you, Mr Internet, for making my day!
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2 comments:
Oh Bob, I know we haven't spoken in a while, but I will be praying for you. Life is precious, and it's a gift. God has plans for your life. I know He does.
If you need to talk, I have ears.
~Steph
Believe me, your prayers are appreciated! I've been talking a lot with family and friends, and feel a whole heck of a lot better. A problem I've always had is not asking for help when I'm in trouble, but when I wise up and reach out to others, I feel their love and it gives me so much strength.
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