"And why do the all the Lhan-Gar have microwave ovens for heads?"
(laughter)
"These guys say they're weapons, but who exactly are they fighting with these things? Have they declared war on Orville Redenbacher or something?"
(laughter)
Jay Leno, Tonight Show monologue transcript, 11/13/96
We know very little about the Lhan-Gar, and can only make educated guesses based on casual observation (no Lhan-Gar has ever volunteered for a Terran examination) and a few brief comments gathered by other Alliance members working with them in field. Very little video footage of these immense creatures exists and they’ve only visited our world once, so the information provided below is rather sketchy.
First of all, it is understood that 'Lhan-Gar' is not the name of an actual race, but rather refers to a warrior caste or clan that members of an unnamed race belong to, and have for many generations; it is unknown if other races may join this order, but none of the other three Allied races have ever been asked to join, and future invitations seem unlikely, considering the thinly-veiled contempt these warriors apparently hold for all other lifeforms.
In general body type, the Lhan-Gar are said to somewhat resemble carnivorous theropod dinosaurs such as Tyrannosaurus Rex, with a length of about 30 feet from tip to tail, and a height of about 10 feet at the hip. Their massive hind legs allow them to run at great speed, reportedly up to 30 miles an hour, counterbalanced by their long and heavy tails. Their forelimbs are much smaller, but unlike terrestrial theropods they have considerable muscle mass; each 'hand' ends in four razor-clawed 'fingers', joined by tissue up to the proximal phalanges to create two sub-fingers split halfway down with talons at the ends of all four tips. Lhan-Gar posses no opposable digits of their own, but wear strong metal wristbands with a thick stubby claw that works as a sort of ‘mock thumb’ for the purpose of gripping large objects; this means they have almost no fine dexterity at all. Their skins are described as being mottled in a wide variety of colors, mostly browns, olives, light yellows and deep reds.
However, the most striking thing about these gigantic warriors are their heads, or rather what we see of their heads, which is practically nothing; all Lhan-Gar wear gleaming metal helmets that completely obscure their features. A Lhan-Gar refers to this helm as its warface or just 'my face', and it is a disgrace punishable by death to be seen without it. The warface serves many functions; it allows the Lhan-Gar to breathe our atmosphere, the heavy smooth top is frequently used for devastating ramming attacks (mostly seen by other Alliance members in lethal ritualized duels), and it contains a wide array of microwave-based technology. The Lhan-Gar use bounced microwaves to 'see', broadcast microwaves to communicate with each other and other races (via radio0, and focused microwaves to 'cook' their enemies up to a range of 20 feet.
It has been noted by many that based on their lack of fine manipulation, the Lhan-gar could not have built their own tools or technology, especially the warface, and this has led to widespread speculation. Some experts believe that all Lhan-Gar are of one gender, possibly male, and that the other 'female' gender is smaller and kept locked away inside their giant starships, developing and repairing all the equipment; it has been pointed out that these gender assignments are inherently chauvinistic, and like the Terran lion, perhaps the warriors who go out on the hunt are all female, and others state that applying Terran genders to an alien race is a mistake in and of itself. Another theory is that other species are perhaps subjugated and forced into performing these tasks for the warriors; until the Lhan-gar let any of the other Alliance races onto their vessels, we may never know the truth, but human groups of many kinds are closely watching them for possible ‘sentient’s rights’ violations.
One last very curious attribute of this race has to do with their social relationships with other races, and it's really quite extraordinary; unless they see an individual as being anywhere close to being their ‘equal’, they appear to be unable to perceive them. We are unsure if this cultural or actually developmental, but it has been reported a few times: a Lhan-Gar blithely trampling or knocking aside a human with complete indifference. Once an individual has proven themselves to a Lhan-Gar, he will suddenly be 'seen' by that warrior, and bizarrely enough every one he meets after that, possibly due to some sort of mass microwave broadcast. Members of the Alliance have spoken of this process, and sheepishly admit they are among the few humans the Lhan-gar even acknowledge to exist.
Next time: Meet the Nameless!
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Meet the Orthi!
"Does anyone else think it's kind of...I don’t know, disturbing that the most popular kid's show on TV is produced by aliens?"
Randall "Redline" Larson, interview in Lake City Ledger-Journal, 07/29/06
It’s been twenty years since we’ve learned we’re not alone in the universe, but humanity is still not quite sure what to make of the Orthi, a curious, outgoing and earnest race of, let’s be honest, floating starfish. The Nameless have at least gone to the trouble of faking a humanoid appearance, and everyone knows the notoriously camera shy Lhan-Gar hate us, but why do the friendliest aliens have to be so damn weird looking?
Imagine a three-limbed starfish about eight feet across; between each set of arms are three eyes, one large one with two smaller ones below. The upper half of their body is covered by a hard shell, and a frightened Orthi will wrap its three limbs around itself in a spiral fashion, protecting its sensitive eyes. The mouth is located on the underside, which humans rarely see as this is where an adaptation disc is worn, though perhaps ‘ridden’ is a more accurate term. The disc is a metallic device that completely covers the underside of the Orthi, converting any atmosphere into one breathable by the wearer, as long as certain chemical reserves are regularly replaced. In addition, the disc has a number of other functions: using gravmags (a bit of Orthi superscience), it allows the wearer to slowly levitate and move through space, controlling direction and speed of motion by tilting this way and that. It also serves as an electronic translator, since there is no way an Orthi can organically replicate human speech. And lastly, it contains a wide variety of probes, tools and metallic tentacles that lets the wearer manipulate the world around it with much finer control than its natural tentacles provide. There are 3.5 Orthi genders (what the..?) and they possess an extremely diverse society and culture largely based on, of all things, their inimitable sense of humor.
The Orthi are a peaceful but non-judgmental race; they are sad that humans are still so warlike in their infancy, but their own history is marked by thousands of years of savage warfare, and they are hopeful that one day we too shall rise above our differences. To this end, the Orthi have offered humanity a large number of non-lethal weapons systems that they’ve used for hundreds of years whenever diplomacy or the rule of law has broken down on their world. Pacifiers are the most common, a neurological stun weapon recalibrated for human nervous systems; they have been made available to Earth’s militaries, police departments and private security firms at a very reasonable price, though the patents are still held exclusively by the Orthi Corporation, a source of much frustration to defense contractors. The Orthi Corporation also manufactures affordable personal electronics, such as the now ubiquitous O-phone, as well as medical technology. The Orthi are becoming rich on our world, and that makes a lot of folks unhappy.
And what do they use that money for? Most of it is used to fund the Alliance’s operations here on Earth, maintaining bases in the US, UK, India, Brazil and Dubai, but a significant portion goes to charitable donations. In the US, the Orthi have heavily invested in public broadcasting, even going so far as production their own cross-cultural children’s show, Rinkadinkadoo, a surreal exploration of human/Orthi cooperation and friendship; famous for its singsong dialogue and trippy spiral motifs, it is beloved by kids and druggies alike. Several conservative and anti-alien groups are deeply suspicious of this program.
Next post: Meet the Lhan-Gar! (assuming they can actually see you)
Randall "Redline" Larson, interview in Lake City Ledger-Journal, 07/29/06
It’s been twenty years since we’ve learned we’re not alone in the universe, but humanity is still not quite sure what to make of the Orthi, a curious, outgoing and earnest race of, let’s be honest, floating starfish. The Nameless have at least gone to the trouble of faking a humanoid appearance, and everyone knows the notoriously camera shy Lhan-Gar hate us, but why do the friendliest aliens have to be so damn weird looking?
Imagine a three-limbed starfish about eight feet across; between each set of arms are three eyes, one large one with two smaller ones below. The upper half of their body is covered by a hard shell, and a frightened Orthi will wrap its three limbs around itself in a spiral fashion, protecting its sensitive eyes. The mouth is located on the underside, which humans rarely see as this is where an adaptation disc is worn, though perhaps ‘ridden’ is a more accurate term. The disc is a metallic device that completely covers the underside of the Orthi, converting any atmosphere into one breathable by the wearer, as long as certain chemical reserves are regularly replaced. In addition, the disc has a number of other functions: using gravmags (a bit of Orthi superscience), it allows the wearer to slowly levitate and move through space, controlling direction and speed of motion by tilting this way and that. It also serves as an electronic translator, since there is no way an Orthi can organically replicate human speech. And lastly, it contains a wide variety of probes, tools and metallic tentacles that lets the wearer manipulate the world around it with much finer control than its natural tentacles provide. There are 3.5 Orthi genders (what the..?) and they possess an extremely diverse society and culture largely based on, of all things, their inimitable sense of humor.
The Orthi are a peaceful but non-judgmental race; they are sad that humans are still so warlike in their infancy, but their own history is marked by thousands of years of savage warfare, and they are hopeful that one day we too shall rise above our differences. To this end, the Orthi have offered humanity a large number of non-lethal weapons systems that they’ve used for hundreds of years whenever diplomacy or the rule of law has broken down on their world. Pacifiers are the most common, a neurological stun weapon recalibrated for human nervous systems; they have been made available to Earth’s militaries, police departments and private security firms at a very reasonable price, though the patents are still held exclusively by the Orthi Corporation, a source of much frustration to defense contractors. The Orthi Corporation also manufactures affordable personal electronics, such as the now ubiquitous O-phone, as well as medical technology. The Orthi are becoming rich on our world, and that makes a lot of folks unhappy.
And what do they use that money for? Most of it is used to fund the Alliance’s operations here on Earth, maintaining bases in the US, UK, India, Brazil and Dubai, but a significant portion goes to charitable donations. In the US, the Orthi have heavily invested in public broadcasting, even going so far as production their own cross-cultural children’s show, Rinkadinkadoo, a surreal exploration of human/Orthi cooperation and friendship; famous for its singsong dialogue and trippy spiral motifs, it is beloved by kids and druggies alike. Several conservative and anti-alien groups are deeply suspicious of this program.
Next post: Meet the Lhan-Gar! (assuming they can actually see you)
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